Automotive Limericks & Memories of A Father Who Would Have Laughed

And would have cracked-up every time he repeated one.

Arny with his 1964 Lotus Elan in 2013.

My father has now been gone for well over a year, passing away at age 86 from what can be best described as complications from being geriatric. We were very close, sharing a startling number of traits and interests. I look, sound and act so much like him, we would have made for the least suspenseful Maury Povich DNA testing “you are the father” show moment ever.

Known to his clients and professional peers as a respected attorney with encyclopedic recall, others knew him for being excruciatingly verbose, a voracious reader, and having a passion for classic sports and luxury cars. Those who knew him best, however, understood one of his greatest joys (outside of his family and friends) was humor. On the top of his personal comedy pyramid were clever limericks.

Those who think society was completely puritanical until social media and Pornhub wrecked it all obviously never heard the generations-old limerick about the man from Nantucket. The limerick form dates to at least the early 1700s, but it gained wide popularity towards the end of that century in children’s songs, such as Mother Goose’s Melodies. Its initial association with innocuous compositions for the young soon made the form riper than an overflowing Porta Potty at Burning Man for use in adult humor parody.

My dad knew all the dirtiest limericks, but being a certifiable car nut, it made sense his all-time favorite classic was:

There once was a man from Boston

Who liked to drive in his Austin

There was room for his ass

And a gallon of gas

But his balls flew away and he lost ‘em

No matter how many times he recited it to a new listener, he’d snicker before finishing. He was just that kind of guy – the one who always cracked-up at his own jokes before delivering the punch line. Nobody ever tells you how much you’ll miss your own father’s laugh.

I’ve always wondered why there weren’t more car-oriented limericks out there. The automotive world lends itself to ruthless satire being the ultimate powder keg of stereotypical self-righteous manufacturers, brand-loyal tribalists, exclusionary purists and unrepentant non-conformists. Thumbing through the many limerick anthologies on my dad’s bookshelf, however, the subject has been largely ignored.

With my beloved father in mind, I’ve decided to place all of my important to-dos on the backburner and write some. Without further delay, here are The Collector Car Guru’s Arny Barer Memorial Automotive Limerick Collection:

The surgeon next door with the 911

Has a group of ex wives numbering seven

With dollar signs in their eyes

He got between their thighs

Then found life with that prick hell not heaven

-

Luke wanted to combat climate change

So he made an F150 to Tesla exchange

His new Cybertruck immediately rusted

And an update left it immobile and busted

So he never really got to test out its range

-

There is a real magic genie

Who grants wishes big and teeny

The only wish he will not grant

Because genies, like mechanics, simply can’t

Make a fucking reliable Lamborghini

-

An interesting ole chap with a Jag

Kept shop towels in a nice leather bag

Man and car both well-equipped

But both inexplicably dripped

So he’d have to clean up every spot with a rag

-

There once was a man with a Vette

Who’d cruise bars to see what he could get

All the ladies found him fantastic

Until he’d bend them over its plastic

And give them three inches they’d rather forget

-

A chesty woman in her minivan

Was arrested for driving without hands

The cop wrote in his report

That her arms were far too short

So she steered with her mammary glands.

-

There once was a man from Reno

Who bought a classic Ferrari Dino

He’d take girls for a ride

But after seeing his wee erect size

They’d ask to be returned to the casino

-

There once was a man with a Ford

Whose wife drove a Honda Accord

The daughter had a Sonata

But the son screamed “I just gotta…

Drive something that won’t make me so bored”

-

There once was an old lady named Maddie

Who drove slowly in her old white Caddy

Going across town at a speed

Those on foot could easily exceed

Causing drivers behind her to go batty

-

A lonely man named Ari

Sold his shares and bought a new Ferrari

Though he completely lacked looks

Pretty ladies were immediately hooked

And he saw more tail than on an African safari

-

Mitsubishi came from Japan

With a good go to market plan

But while in Chrysler’s bed

They fell into the red

So crappy quality and boring designs began

-

There once was a man from Sarasota

Who bought himself a sensible Toyota

Drove reliably for miles

Evoking not a single smile

But he didn’t care one single iota

-

That elderly man, he’s so gentle

In his garage, a pristine Continental

His great grandchildren all agree

He can’t drive ‘cause he can’t see

But he keeps it because he’s too goddamn sentimental

-

Loquacious Lord Robert lost his voice

So he hopped into his trusty Rolls Royce

While he drove around all day

With so much he wanted to say

His wife sat quietly at home to rejoice

-

A mistress from out near Dover

Liked to drive her gifted Range Rover

Her beau bought her nice things

Provided she demanded no ring

Then she did and soon it was over

-

A well hung man in Paris, France

Would drive his Citroen while wearing no pants

Picking up ladies of the night

They’d gasped at the site

And demand he pay double in advance